LDS ELDER SHED: Shed Lingo 101

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Shed Lingo 101

Terms

She: Any person, place, thing, idea, or concept. Most especially oneself.

Gold can: Caffeine-free, Diet Sam's Club Cola.

Pizz-ster: Rolls of saucy joy. Buy 'em by the truckload.

Slank, Slankster: Slanket, a sleeve'd blanket. This includes all brands of clothing-replacing lounge wear.

Blog, Vlog, Tweet: Imaginary source of internet content created by old people and missionaries.

Shed: Apartment unit attached to the garage of main house. Main place elders live. Contains two beds, various clothes and closetry, two desks, bathroom, air unit, and heat fan.

Exercise cube: Somewhat outside rec room where exercise time could happen. Equipment is kept there, but more often it is used to house Burstall's stuff.

Shedlord: Owner of shed, and primary occupant of the main house. One David Addison. Also goes by Pow, Dahv, Brother D, Dave, Brother Dave, Big D, Dahv Master Flash, etc.

Aught: Zero. Usually used to designate periods of time. Most especially Aught Six, signifying 2006.

Fres-hole: City in central California, population ~500,000. Preaching and baptizing capitol of the world. Why do you live there? Uhh....

Oh!: Loud, Dahv style complaint noise. Used equally for pleasing and unpleasant situations.

Gay: Extremely unpleasant, or extremely wonderful.

Cher: See above.

Phrases

"Call if you need anything": Statement that doesn't mean anything... or does it mean everything?

"This is my last summer in Fresno": Statement that doesn't mean anything... or does it mean everything?

"I can't speak to that": Carefully avoiding comment.

"Some would say not enough...": Used to illustrate that yours isn't the only opinion that matters- Dave's is.

"I just brushed my teeth": "The thing you are trying to get me to eat looks awful."

General Speech

Words can be truncated to suit ones needs. Examples are blank, bev, and pretz for blanket, beverage, and pretzel, respectively. Sometimes, -ster can be added once the word is truncated to completely invalidate the shortening in the first place. Examples include napster, pepster, and sofster for napkin, pepper, and sofa.

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Notes from Elders & others

Dear Brother D, Thank you so much for letting me stay in “The Shed.” You helped me get through my first 6 weeks. You are amazing. I’m going to miss ya, and hopefully I get transferred back. – Elder Cook

(written next to a line drawing of 3 people in recliners, each wrapped in a slanket, holding a plate full of pizza rolls)

Dear Brother D, Thank you for the [zoo] transportation and cheeseburgers! The Fresno Zone.

Elders Wellbaum, McLaren, Ure, Hawes, Gonzalez, Talbot, Jones, Beach, Asay, Lee, Loew, Burstall; and Sisters Sears, Chacon, Moore, Tupou (sp), Petersen.

Brother D, Thanks for the chicken. I love you. – Elder Burstall

I love you, Bro. D, You’re the best! – Elder Wolfert

Brother Shedlord, We’re off to the library! We’ll be back about noon. Call if you need anything. – The Elders

Jul 4

Happy Indahvpendence Day! (with line drawing of Dave lighting a fuse on a space rocket with 2 missionaries tied to the rocket ready to blast off)

Jul 26

(line drawing of garden) Hey Bro D, This morning from Dav’s Gargantic Garden I picked 3 zucchini, 2 from this plant [arrow], and 1 from this plant [arrow]. Sorry for not asking. Love Elder Flournoy

Dear Brother D, I watered your farm in shorts, hat, and flops. I don’t own any patriotic shirts. – Elder Burstall

P.S. Also watered your cat.

Gate locked. Garden pruned. Love the Dahv! – Elders

(line drawing on napkin with arrows pointing to stick figure)

Dahv drink this [smoothie] Drink, sparkle, smile, kolaits, flopped feet [kolaits are summer men's shorts also known as cool-offs, man-pris, short pant]

(heart) The Elders in the shed.

Sep 6

(homemade card from typing paper)

Wow Dahv, You Must Be Really Fruit-Full. Your garden is so plentiful. Even though certain men have conspired against her. She has still reaped a harvest.

D&C 4:4 “For behold the field is white already to harvest and lo, he that thrusteth in his sickle with his might, the same layeth up in store that he perisheth not . . .”

Elders (heart) Papa

(copyright) Morman Hands, Proud Associates of the Elders in the Shed and The Dave Cave

(homemade card)

Thank you for the testimony you shared on Sunday Daaaaahv! Content & delivery A++++ We (heart) U, Love The Elders

Left everywhere: pink sticky-notes on various food items & bevs in the fridge and pantry that read “Elders, too” or "Dav’s too"

Periodically, a sticky note appears on a random item in another room, such as the TV, that reads "Dav's only"

Hey We Love You! – Elder Flournoy

(with line drawing of Dahv abducted by aliens in spaceship, bubble quote: ‘I knew it was my last summer in Fresno’)

Shedlord: There’s food in oven, syrup on stove. It’s homemade. Just bring to a boil & it’s ready. – Elder Ashton

Nov 15

Dear Brother D,

I am the housing coordinator for the California Fresno Mission and I want to thank you for housing our missionaries over these past few months. It was a great blessing to them and to the work of the Lord. I hope that you feel that you were blessed for this consecrated effort. I pray that the Lord willl continue to bless you for your service. Gratefully,

Sister Williams

Housing Coordinator

California Fresno Mission

Dec 6

Dear Shedlord, Hope you’re having a great open-eyes time! [Dave calls his naps rest-eyes time] Love, The Shedlings

Dec 20

Dear Brother D, We ate two of your cough drops. We will replace them. Love, Your shed-mates!

Light Keeper (sheet music) - be strong

Additional House Rules (posted by the shedlord)

House hours

Unless a special need arises, do not come into the main house before 7 a.m. (An exception is the exercise cube that may be entered into starting at 6:30 a.m.)

Please vacate the main house by 10 p.m.

Kitchen hours

7-8 a.m. breakfast

1-2 p.m. lunch

5-6 p.m. dinner

Note: Please inform the shedlord if the kitchen hours need to be modified based on a particular day’s last-minute activities.

Utensils, pans, etc. are shared. Food is kept separate, except as discussed. Elders maintain their own detergent, cleaning supplies, paper products, etc.

Misc.

● Please leave rooms how you found them (i.e. if a door is open when you come in, make sure it’s open when you leave; if a light is off when you come in, make sure it’s off when you leave; if you accidentally let a cat inside, make sure you coax her back out, etc. )

● The side gate is locked by 9:30 p.m. (when Elders must be home), and unlocked early morning. Lights out 10:30 p.m. Arise 6:30 a.m. Cleaning on Mondays. See chart for daily, weekly, monthly chores.

What is a Missionary?

Somewhere between the whirl of the teenage activity and confinement to the rocking chair we find a strange creature called a missionary.

Missionaries come in assorted varieties: Elders and Lady Missionaries. They come in different sizes, weights, and colors, green being the most common.

Converts love them, young girls worship them (the Elder type), dogs hate them, the law tolerates them, most people ignore them, and heaven protects them.

A missionary is truth with a pocket full of tracts, wisdom with a scant knowledge of the Bible, faith with 69 cents in its pocket and two weeks until Dad’s next check.

A missionary is a composite - - it has the appetite of a horse, the enthusiasm of a fire cracker, the patience of Job, the persistence of the Fuller Brush man, and the courage of a lion tamer.

It likes letters from home, invitations to Sunday dinners, conference checks, testimony meetings, companions, baptisms, and visits from the Mission President. It isn’t much on tracting in the rain, ladies who slam doors, hats, apartment houses, transfers, shaking hands at arm’s length, alarm clocks, and last but not least letters that start with “Dear John.”

Nobody rises so early or is so tired by 10:30 p.m. Nobody else can knock so boldly with such a shaky hand. Nobody else can get such a thrill at the end of a disappointing day when someone says, “Won’t you come in; we’ve been waiting for you!”

Yes, a missionary is a queer character. It can get homesick, and temporarily lose faith in the human race, but a strange lump rises in its throat the day it receives its letter of release and on arrival home its return talk will probably contain the phrase once considered trite: “The time I spent as a missionary is the happiest time of my life.”

(Author unknown)

"That they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent."

John 17:3

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Shed Lingo 101

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